Baby Vampires and Fetishes
by Otaku1811
Summary: Alucard and Seras have been assigned a new mission... Lot's of nonsensical OOCness ahead and other.....stuff R&R if you can actually get through this!


Disclaimer: I no own, you no sue, or else Alucard will come KILL you! ^~^;; I also don't own the Happy Tree Friends ^_^  
  
AN: Mwehehehehehe! I decided to write a quick fic since I've been reading so many lately. I gotta get this outta my system, so Morbid Angel and I shall create a short funny fic for you all to enjoy.... or flee in terror ^_^. Major OOCness ahead. Rated 'PG-13' for language and many mentions of sexual material. But hey, you can handle it! If you can't, you've been warned ^_^!  
  
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Baby Vampires and Fetishes  
  
By Otaku-Chan ^_~ and Morbid Angel  
  
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Sitting at her desk, Integra Wingates Fairbrook Van Hellsing (Long enough?) turned on her laptop and grinned wildly as the machine loaded. She would then go to her usual favorite site, which consisted of cute little animals being bledgered to death... in... odd ways... It was a habit of hers that nobody else knew about... or so she thought ^_^.  
  
"Mwehehe!," she giggled as the site popped up on her screen. "Time for Happy Tree Friends! Blood! Lots of blood! Ha, ha. ha!" she cackled. "Time for Nutty to die!!!" Then she proceeded to click the media video and waited for it to load, however, unbeknownst to her, Alucard had floated through the floor and was curiously looking over her shoulder. Usually she would not be caught off guard, however, the Happy Tree Friends was all consuming. As the demented music began to play, Integra hummed along, tapping her fingers on the desk. "La, la, la, la, la...... doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, woo, hoo!" Then, just as the video began with it's usual, " Hey kids! Happy Tree friends: more fun than a stick!" Integra heard a low "Ahem."  
  
Quickly she shut off her laptop and spun around in her chair to face her vampire servant.  
  
"What is it now Alucard?" she asked, looking quite annoyed at being interrupted.  
  
"It's about the police girl... I was wondering if you could have a little chat with her," he said in his usual low voice, his eyes covered by dark orange tinted glasses.  
  
"About what?" she asked, eyeing him suspiciously.  
  
"Well, you see, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but... you know our weekly mating assignment?" Integra nods in understanding, then he continued. "Well... let's just say that she's not as enthusiastic. She just lays there inside of my coffin staring at me while I do all the work! The nerve! And she won't respond to my..." he chuckled, "...tender ministrations. In essence, she's a total dead fuck!" (Ah, no pun intended! ^_^;;)  
  
Integra stared at him incredulously before a blush appeared on her cheeks. "...Yo-you know Alucard... that uh, we need... you two to be together... ah, and uh, cause, well, uh... you know!" she stuttered, very flustered by the whole conversation. "But, ah, if you must, send her to me... I guess..."  
  
"Why master, you seem to be blushing about something," he said with a wide grin. Then he lifted her chin with his gloved fingers and looked her directly in the eyes. "Is miss vigin queen having trouble with giving me sex advice?" He then laughed, making Integra just a bit uncomfortable, and a tad angry at his remark.  
  
"Alucard, don't waste my time. I have better things to do then sit here and hear you bitch about your little problem." Her eyes flicked up to his and a smirk grew on her lips, "hmmm," she said as if she was pondering something deeply...  
  
"What is the 'hmming' for?" he asked, letting go of her chin and moving back a bit because of the odd look in her eyes.  
  
"Well, I was just thinking... that... maybe..."  
  
"...Yes?"  
  
"Maybe why she's not responding is because... well... maybe it is cause your 'problem,' shall we say, is TOO small?" Integra's right eye brow arched waiting for him to respond.  
  
"Are you implying that I'm not man enough for the police girl?" he said leaning over near her face, a fang gracing his newly insulted features.  
  
"Well you can't very well expect the girl to respond to something she can't feel... now can you?" If looks could kill, Sir Integra would have been dead from the death glare he gave her, but instead of being intimidated like most humans would by him she merely smiled at him sweetly, being proud of herself that she had belittled the egotistical vampire. He just started to say something back when she cut him off, "Now, if you would like me to help you fix this, go get Seras and bring her to me. I'll have a talk with her and see what the problem is." As she said the word 'problem' her eyes strayed down toward what she accused as his 'problem.'  
  
".....As you wish... Master" Alucard replied as he lowered his head so his chin now was touching his chest and he sank through the floor to retrieve Seras. Integra laughed and turned on her computer once again. Maybe this time she could watch some Happy Tree Friends before he came back.  
  
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Seras Victoria sat nervously on her bed. She knew her Master wasn't pleased with her, but what could she say? He was all lust and no bust. He saw the whole act as another assignment, nothing more. Was it wrong to actually experience some pleasure during sex?  
  
"He's such a heartless pig!" she fumed. "Why can't he just return my feelings?" she asked herself, not noticing as Alucard materialized right behind her.  
  
"Because I have no feelings, police girl," he snickered.  
  
"A-Alucard..." she stammered as she turned to face her Master.  
  
"Go to Integra's office."  
  
Seras huffed and quickly stomped out of the room.  
  
"It's not me who's the problem, it's her," Alucard snarled as he left for his own dungeonous quarters.  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
Seras was about to knock on Integra's office door when she heard odd sounds coming from within the room...  
  
"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Oh, God! How wonderfully awful that was!" came the voice of Integra, accompanied by some odd music and the sounds of... animals? Seras then decided to ignore all this and got up the courage to knock.  
  
The sounds of laughter, music, and animals all seized. Then the sound of footsteps were heard as Integra came and opened the door.  
  
"I've been expecting you Seras... come in."  
  
Integra then sat down at her polished oak desk and motioned for Seras to do likewise in the empty chair in front of the desk. She then pulled out a fresh cigar.  
  
"I suppose Alucard told you how our 'mission' is progressing," Seras said looking downward, finding her lap to be very interesting all of a sudden.  
  
Integra stifled what Seras perceived to be a giggle. How embarrassing! Even her Master's Master was humored by this! "Ahem... Seras Victoria, you do understand the importance of this mission, do you not?" Seras nodded shyly. "Good. You must produce pure blooded vampire children for the sake of Hellsing. I made this decision not due to a love for vampires, but due to the fact that you and Alucard are the best army I could ever ask for. I know that if you two made offspring, Hellsing'ed have this city rid of all FREAKS and other vampire scum. I know you two can handle this mission, just try harder."  
  
"But I can't! Alucard is too... um... " Seras stuttered to find her words.  
  
"Too... small?"  
  
Seras nearly fell out of her chair, gagging. "N-No, it's not that....!!! He just goes too fast and is too rough, not even caring if I feel any pleasure! No matter what I do, he skips all foreplay!" Her face turned several shades of crimson as she said this.  
  
Integra merely smiled. "Well, perhaps YOU can do something to make things more interesting ^_~" Then, Integra whipped off her suit and was in nothing but a playboy bunny outfit, and a whip was in her hand too ( of course ^^ ). By this point, Seras was terrified, and her face resembled that of a ripe tomato. Integra grabbed her by the collar of her uniform and yanked her close to her face, then said in a sadistic tone, "You must teach your man to submit to your power. Walk all over him in your stiletto heals, then he'll give you what you desire. Otherwise, he'll always take control, leaving you unsatisfied. Now, do you really want that?"  
  
Seras was too shocked to reply. Then Integra called for Alucard, surprising the police girl even more. His slender figure soon rose up through the floor. However, as soon as he got a glimpse at his Master, he began sinking back down. However, as the leather whip wrapped around his neck, he decided it might be safer to stay ( at least to keep his head attached ^^;; ).  
  
"Now, I shall show you ways in which you can subdue this monster," the platinum blonde snickered. "Watch closely, little one."  
  
"Master, what on earth do you think you're doing?!" Alucard yelped as Integra pushed him down on her desk and tied his hands together with the whip.  
  
"I've wanted to do this for a loooong time!" she squealed. Meanwhile, Seras decided to escape the room, however, as soon as she got outside of Integra's office, she ran into Walter.  
  
"Is anything wrong, Miss Victoria? You look rather red."  
  
She quickly stood up straight and stammered, "N-nothing is wrong. I just got orders for... uh... another mission, that's all. Ha... ha...."  
  
Walter looked at her curiously, then decided to go about his business. "Well, good luck then on whatever your mission is. Now I must serve Sir Integra her evening tea."  
  
If her heart could beat, it would have popped out of her chest. "W- Walter... Integra's... "  
  
"Integra's what?" he asked, now looking a bit worried.  
  
"She's... ah... training!"  
  
"Training? For what?"  
  
Seras took a moment to think of something. "Um... she's training Alucard... no! I mean, they're training... to fight a new type of vampire... And, uh... she doesn't want anyone in there to distract her and Alucard... yeah..."  
  
Walter raised a wrinkled eye brow, not quite buying it. "If there were new enemies, I most certainly would have heard about it. Now, if you don't mind stepping aside, I shall bring her some tea."  
  
Then loud screams erupted from within the office.  
  
"What in bloody hell is going on in there?" Walter asked, as Seras sweat dropped.  
  
They could both hear the muffled sounds of, 'No Master! Ah! Stop! OUCH!' reverberating into the hallway, as well as 'Kiss my boots slave! Ha, ha, ha!' Both of them could just picture a horrific S&M scene... ( scary O_o;; )  
  
"Yes, I see your point Miss Victoria. Shall we leave?"  
  
"You couldn't have picked a better time to ask ^_^" Seras replied as the two fled the scene.  
  
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"Now Alucard, don't screw this mission up... in a non-literal sense of course. The future of the Hellsing organization is depending on you two." Integra untied the vampire and put her suit back on, as if nothing happened. Alucard also put his clothing back on *cough* as if nothing happened ( As I already stated ^.^;;). "Now that you know what you must do to... please the female species better, I expect results."  
  
"Yes... Master."  
  
And with that all said, Alucard set out to find the police girl ( A.K.A. Seras. Why can't he just use her name? )  
  
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Many weeks later...  
  
Seras lied in Alucard's arms, actually content for once. Maybe he didn't love her, and loved Integra instead, but at least he was here with her. They managed to get through their 'mission' this time around, no complaints on either side. But the question was still nagging at her.  
  
"Master?"  
  
"Hm?" he breathed as he nuzzled her soft neck.  
  
"Was it Integra that taught you those moves?" she asked, blushing.  
  
Alucard chuckled in his usual manner. "Of course not. I dread another encounter with my Master as that last one, so I decided to do things right. You're much better than she is... my back stings just thinking about it."  
  
"What did she DO to you?" Seras asked, very curious.  
  
"She threw a cat on me and as I screamed in fear, it scratched me to pieces! Then she forced me to kiss her feet! It was a nightmare! After all that, she told me that it would happen again if I didn't go through with this properly."  
  
-_-;; Seras stared at him in disbelief. "A cat?!"  
  
"Yes... and she said something like, 'Better shape up or you'll end up like Nutty... all bloody'... whatever that meant." Then Alucard went back to nuzzling her neck before he added, "I learned a very important lesson..."  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"That I shouldn't have taken you for granted, Seras." Then he sealed that statement with a kiss, causing the police girl to shed a tear of happiness.  
  
Nine fluffy months later...  
  
"I'm very pleased with you two. Well done," Integra commented as she held the tiny red-eyed bundle in her arms. "It's kind of cute for a monster... "  
  
"It's NOT a monster. That's our child, regardless of what she is," Seras spoke up. Alucard nodded in agreement. "Now then, to celebrate... "  
  
Then, as if reading their minds, Walter came into the room with a twelve pack.  
  
"Keg party!!!"  
  
And so, they chugged... Well, Seras only had one or two, since she had to be sober enough to take care of her baby.  
  
"That's all folks!" Alucard yelled as he downed the alcohol, not caring that it wasn't blood. "You can all stop reading this fic now and let us have some privacy... " he stated as he pulled out his jackal...  
  
*gulp*  
  
Ok, ok! We'll stop writing already! Jeeze! Ya freaken loser!  
  
*Bang*  
  
..............We're not dead! Ha, ha!  
  
The End...... aren't ya'll glad? 


End file.
